A Quick Question...

I have a quick question, but it requires a little background. Some of you are familiar with my current bathroom setup, and so this next little bit is unnecessary, but for the rest, I will explain the setup. My bathroom is small, and by small, I mean SMALL. The way it is laid out is such that the sink does not have a cabinet built around the bottom, because when sitting on "Le Jon", your knees go under the sink. I suppose this could be convenient if you were violently ill at both ends, but that is gross, and not the point. What IS the point, and which may be similarly gross, is as follows. I know that many people use the bathroom first thing in the morning, and often brush their teeth in the same trip. I would think that this question would then apply more so to the ladies due to the laws of probability or something, but here it is: As a time-saving measure, is it OK to brush your teeth while sitting on the toilet if the sink is right there? It seems potentially convenient enough to bring up, but I think I am leaning towards "no". Let me know what you think.

iLife

iRecently began my iLife. On a Thursday evening, iThought that iWould prepare for/celebrate my new means of earning a living. iWent to the Apple Store, and purchased a shiny new 60GB iPod (black). iGot home, and like a school-child at Christmas, iGleefully unwrapped my newest toy. As many of you may know, the first thing you need to do is install iTunes if you do not already have it, and there is a CD that comes in the box that iBelieved would allow me to do so. iPut the CD in my drive, and it began to install something that was not iTunes at all! What it was, was the software updater that would allow me to update my iPod to the newest version of software, which as it turns out, is the same as the factory default for this batch (also, iAm pretty sure that what apple calls "software" is really "firmware", but iAm not positive). After installing this semi-useless peripheral, iGot an error box telling me that iTunes could not install on a 64-bit OS. WONDERFUL! iDid some research, and as far as iCan tell, the only upgrade made for the newest version of iTunes (1.0.6) from v1.0.5 is that in v1.0.5, under a 64-bit OS, the CD burning does not work properly without some fiddling around with drivers (which I have not tried yet, iMay update that soon), and in v1.0.6, it shits the bed, and doesn't install. iFind this to make a LOT of sense. After getting iTunes installed, it was time for iBed. iWould begin my iLife in the morning. The next morning, after my sepcial lady-friend had left for work, iBegan the horrible process of updating all the tags on my Mp3s. This necessary evil allows you to use your iPod in a more convenient fashion, and iReally should have done it a long time ago, so no complaints here. After waiting quite a while for my iPod to update, iWas ready to listen to an mp3 through those nifty white headphones instead of through my computer speakers, and then the neatest thing happened! It FROZE COMPLETELY! iSpent the next full day looking up ways to do things that apple would not want to tell you about, like resetting the iPod (which iAm sick of typing, so iWill now refer to it as darth vader), DOWNGRADING the software (which takes a special, non-sanctioned program), restoring, re-syncing, and basically, desperately trying to make it work for more than a song or two. Finally, it was time to go out to dinner where we had two $40 bottles of wine that also had a screw cap instead of a cork. I am just glad I didn't have to pay for them. The next morning, iAgain tried to fix it, but before iCould get it working, it was time to go to the MLS game. That was fun, but it did not fix darth vader. Today, iTried once more, but no dice. iWent back to the mall, visions of getting into an iArgument at the Apple Store dancing in my head, but for the cost of the stupid thing, iWas prepared to iPunchSomebodyInTheThroat to get a working one. Turns out that the staff was very helpful, and after seeing darth vader in action, they went all emperor on him, and issued me a new apprentice. Or something. Anyway, the new one seems to work, which is neat, and iAm happy. Also, turns out not all my mp3 tags are fixed yet. iSigh.

A "Near-Death" Experience

As Kamikazee Pigeon pointed out, I recently had a near death experience (in a manner of speaking). It went something like this: I had a parachute, but I was considering getting a new one, as my current one was about due to be retired. That being said, it still had some use in it, so there was no IMMEDIATE need for another one. I was contacted by a parachute salesman, so I thought I would look into buying a new one. Here is where the near death comes in to play. I was on the plane, flying along, and I wasn't sure if my new parachute had arrived yet. I asked my assistant how soon he could have the old chute unpacked, in case the new chute arrived. He said, "I already unpacked the old chute" (with no mention of whether the new one had arrived), then shoved me out of the plane. At this point, I think I tried to crap my pants, but since both me and my crap were in free-fall, I think I was saved by physics. Or something. Anyway, as you may know, you cannot pull the ripcord immediately, or your chute gets tangled with the propellers, and it's a bad scene. So I had this agonizing wait while I basically assumed that I was going to die. Luckily, afer what seemed like a day or so later, I was able to pull the ripcord, and it turned out that I did in fact have a new chute, so that's good. Kind of an anticlimactic ending I suppose, but the whole thing is really more of an analogy anyway.

Putting the SUCK in Soul-Sucking

Today I thought to myself, "how can I combine several of my least favorite activities into one big fat morning-wasting adventure?" First, I had to decide on some of my least favorite things to do, before I could combine them. For this morning's purposes, I chose paperwork, interacting with strangers, and waiting in line. To combine these things, I thought, "I know! I will go to the DMV!!!" However, I was in for a big surprise! It turns out that I actually combined interacting with strangers with paperwork, and waiting in line, and waiting in line, and waiting in line, etc. Let me explain. Where I hail from, the definition of a line is very different than it is here. My first trip to the DMV consisted of 15 people in a room, 2 of which were working, 6 of which (at least) were waiting either to take a driving test, or for their license to be printed up, and at most 7 people in line. I would hear comedians joke about how much the DMV sucked, and I would laugh, but as it turns out, I was like a redneck laughing at Dennis Miller; namely, I did not really get the joke. The neat part about the DMV in the district, or at least the one I had to go to since there is only one place you can get temporary plates, is that the line to get your licence has like 40 parts. By this I mean, first you wait in line in the hall, then you get to a little airlock. Once in the airlock, you can see what you believe to be the end of the line, but when you get to the other side, you see that the line actually goes out along the wall and then doubles back. After you have doubled back, you have to wait for one of three people working at a little kiosk to say "next in line" in the most dreary possible tone of voice. After the three people in front of you go in rapid succession, the following happens: One needs a translator. This will have to be flown in from that person's country of origin, then taught conversational English, and with airline security the way it is, and the current state of our public schools, I don't need to tell you that this takes quite a while. A second person working at the kiosk takes this opportunity to go on a coffee break of some sort. The third is delayed because the person they are helping is asking if there is any way to get your license if you have a Martian birth certificate, no proof of residency, and you are only able to pay in stale froot loops. By the time you do get to go to the kiosk, you have forgotten where you are, and what you are supposed to be doing. After this is all explained to you, you are given a number and told to sit down. As it turns out, your number is preceded by a letter such that then next line can be a complicated WEB of lines, all leading to various counters. After watching divorce court with no sound for 45 minutes (which is actually kind of amusing) you are called to window number 18. You arrive there to find that no one is at window 18, but if you wait long enough, someone shows up because of chaos theory or some crap. You hand them the 8 things they require, which they do not even look at, but which they would also execute you for not having, and you are shooed off to another line where you wait for a lady who does not understand where she is supposed to sign the little piece of plastic, or why the plastic pen has no ink. It is important to note that this woman will also have an infant with her that will not stop screaming "mama" until sometime in her mid-20's. Finally you get your picture taken, your license is given to you and you go to "the terrible land of temporary tags". In here there is a smaller line, but that is deceiving. This is because there are only two employees. One employee is in charge of handling things from some other part of the labyrinth, while occasionally squeezing in a customer, and the other has the sole duty of issuing temporary license plates. She is inept. In the time that the first employee processed 3 requests from the labyrinth, and 4 customers, she had successfully completed ZERO transactions. The only thing that could make this worse is if you forgot your favorite method of portable entertainment, and someone in the very same room had a near-exact replica. It is important to note, that I did go the extra mile in this regard. I cannot WAIT to go back to get my real plates once I get my car inspected.

A Reason Not to Have Children

I cannot think of a better reason for not having children at this point than Little League Baseball. I know on the surface, this makes no sense, but hear me out. If I were to have a child, they would most likely end up a baseball fan, as I consider myself a fan. If this were the case, they would most likely wish someday to PLAY baseball, and that would probably mean that I would end up at a Little League game. As it turns out, the parents of Little Leaguers are so despicable, that they can actually turn something as pure and wholesome as CHILDREN PLAYING BASEBALL and turn it into something DESPICABLE. I cannot even begin to express how stupid this is. It seems clear that if I were to attend a little league game there would have to be an elaborate screening process through which anyone that wanted to speak to me would have to pass. And I would probably have to be restrained like Hannibal Lecter, or at the very least, Ice Cube at the start of xXx: State of the Union to keep other people safe, and me out of the newspapers. You know it would be turned against me too. For example, some guy that got cut from his company softball team would spend 45 minutes berating an umpire for a strike call against his kid that he didn't even really see because he was buying a hotdog. Then, he would saunter over to me, start trying to get me to agree with him, then make some crack about "musta learned that from the old man" after my kid made an error, which is inevitable. For anyone that has never seen one of these games, they should really count "non-errors" instead of errors, just to save effort. I would reply with something like, "it's a learning experience" or something, and then he might point out that it cost the team a run. At this point, I would probably go to the bathroom and then sit somewhere else, pretending to see someone I knew but my new buddy would find me and start in again. To avoid being any more tedious than I have already been, I will just sum the rest up. My new friend continues to berate the opposing team and umpires like he's at an MLB game harassing Barry Bonds. I would "politely" ask him to "shut up" (meaning probably work a crack about his mom into a crack about his role on the company softball team), and then he'd probably flip out, and then I am in the newspaper as one of "those" dads. Doesn't seem fair.

An inauspicious beginning

Being that I started this today on a whim, and that I am quickly approaching a meeting that I am supposed to attend via "telephone", I will make this brief. For those of you who understand the name of this blog, I am sure you recognize the above faces as ones you may have attempted to make, or have seen others attempt to make, or at the very least, as faces that you can comprehend at a basic, gravity-laden level. For those of you who do not, I am sure I will post again in more detail on this subject. That being said, I know that many of the people who will read this have blogs of their own, that they use to talk about things that happen in their lives that are interesting, or informative, or otherwise entertaining. I am not yet willing to promise that this will be the same such kind of posting. True, I may indeed talk about actual events, but I may also spend much time talking about things that may not have, nor will ever in our collective lifetimes, occur. Enjoy

--D14